Nirvana - Lithium

It's all about me, me, me

I'm not great at the moment, generally I am happy but there are some things I am struggling with. I'll get through/past/over it, I always do.

I'm becoming more confident, independent, feisty, whatever you want to call it and it is not being welcomed by some. I don't believe I am changing. Just remembering how I used to enjoy life and living in the sun rather than the shade

Music is playing a huge part in my life again, I always always had music on but haven't for ages. With the help of my beloved iPod and iTunes I am rediscovering the music that makes me happy. This song was very apt when I listened to it this morning - Lithium by Nirvana, the youtube video is above this post. The mix of emotions described in the lyrics explains how I am feeling much better than I can.

I'm not down or low, just a bit something at the moment and only I can sort it out.

Moving on

We said goodbye to Nanny Lin on Friday. It was a beautiful service as far as funerals go and the vicar said some very poignant words. Chris, my father in law, read Badger's parting gifts by Susan Varley which brought even more tears to my eyes. He also did another reading as well as Lin's sister and myself. Basingstoke Crematorium seats about 100, yet there were at least another 30 people standing. Lin touched a lot of people in her life and I know she will continue to do so even now.

The vicar suggested that instead of being sad for the past, it is time to look forward to the future and that is definitely how I am going to live my life. Possibly I am changing but I see myself finding the confident, independent, happy Ali I used to be rather than changing into someone different. This seems to be causing concern to some people, but I am not going to live in my shadow any more.

Today I...

...did some work on my list...I went to Voodoo Body Piercing in Barnstaple and had my nose pierced. I love it although I keep going cross eyed because I am always catching sight of something on my nose lol! The wonderful Dawn and Lee came with me, I think they were hoping to hear me scream but I was good and just winced a bit...although he did give me a tissue to 'wipe my tears away'!

Still thinking about a tattoo - possibly something like the fairy above. On my hip I think.

I was in fits of laughter when Dawn took this photo, I kept making her take different ones because I wasn't happy. A girl has got to look her best you know!

Starting as I mean to go on

Did some spinning last night, my first for ages. Really enjoyed the soothing rhythmic action of it, very therapeutic! The fibre is mum's Luscious superwash merino and it spins like a dream. Will try to find time to finish it up this week. It's going to be aran weight singles to make another Coquille from Knitty.com

Still feeling very raw although I have some great friends helping me through. It's extremely hard for everyone but DH is obviously finding it the worst. I'm here for when he needs me which I hope will be soon.

Did you read yesterdays list? I forgot to add 'Taking more risks' to it. I made the appointment for my nose piercing, tomorrow at 10am...please send me a virtual handsqueeze at that time as you know I'm no good with pain lol! I've also started spening more time with friends as I invited myself and Sullivan round to hers after group today, nice coffee Lee :)

Going to book my tattoo tomorrow, hopefully for sometime around my birthday so I can save up for it. Definitely a fairy theme, not sure where though...

The year of no regrets

Losing my much loved Mother in Law has got me thinking about life in general over the past couple of days. She is missed so much but I am determined not to be brought down by this tragic event but to live my life as though each day is my last.


I'm going to write a list of all the things I would like to achieve, learn, experience and be in 2011 and that list starts here!

• Spend more time with my family
• Get my nose pierced
• Have a fairy (I think) tattoo
• Pay off our loan
• Reduce the mortgage
• Get a permanent job, hopefully at M&S
• Do more spinning, and teach myself to spin finer
• Lose 1st
• Get fit enough to run 5k in 20 minutes or less
• Reacquaint myself with my abs
• Become more organised
• See/contact my dear friends more often
• Be more adventurous
• Do more sewing
• Learn to make sushi and chocolates
• Look after my skin/eat properly/drink my water!
• Finish my training and open a La Leche League group with the support of the BBB's
• Do some climbing again
• Above all else I'm going to HAVE FUN!!!

They will be more things added to the list as the year goes on but I hope to tick them all off. Why don't you join me in making 2011 the year you live your life?

A sad day

We had sad news yesterday. My husbands mum passed away very suddenly. She was 67 and in relatively good health. My father in law came home from work yesterday and found her. It was her heart, not a heart attack but heart failure. We'll know more in a couple of weeks when the coroners report is finalised.

She is going to be missed so much, she was a very kind, caring lady who loved to love. She came and stayed with us this Christmas so that I could work and not have to pay for childcare. We had a wonderful time, Lin and Chris found a fabulous holiday home to stay in near Umberleigh where they could bring their dog Mayzee. It meant they could still have a holiday on their own as well as spending time with us. She loved her three grandchildren who loved her straight back - even when she told the girls that they had too many toys and had to give some away!

She was so excited with the digital camera we gave her for Christmas, it was a joint present from us and Jo and Andy. Chris agreed to buy a laptop which Jez helped them choose. Their broadband was only connected yesterday, she didn't even have a chance to send an email.

Linda rediscovered her love of knitting through me, making the children some sweet little things. They will be even more special now. She loved her garden and her dogs, good food and sudoku puzzles. I can't believe I was walking around town with her just 12 days ago. She was so proud of her family, couldn't stop hugging us. She always told me how much she loved my cuddles.

It's so unfair. I didn't even take any photographs of her with us over Christmas.

We miss you Nanny Linda and hope that you are happy and peaceful wherever you may be now. xxx

I'll leave you with these words that Maddie wrote yesterday evening.

I loved my nanny lots and lots, it should be a happy feeling she's with her mum and dad.

I loved her very much.

Elderflower Cordial

It's that time of year again, the sky is blue, the birds are singing and plants are bursting into flower...and I'm sneezing, rubbing my eyes and cursing nature!
I love elderflower cordial, there is nothing more refreshing than a glass of this mixed with fizzy water, ice and a slice of lemon. I also enjoyed it with a dash of gin last year...hic! I am sure that Mum won't mind me posting her recipe here for you all to enjoy. It's so simple and makes a great present too.

Elderflower Cordial

20 heads of Elderflowers

2 pints boiling water

2 kg sugar

2 lemons, zested then sliced

80g citric acid (available from brewing shops and some chemists...I got the third degree last year when trying to buy it from a chemist)

Boil the water (I use the kettle for speed and efficiency) and pour over the sugar which you've already put in a large pan, heat until it comes back to the boil and stir until the sugar has dissolved. Take off the heat and add the lemon zest, sliced lemons and citric acid. Pour this mixture over the elderflowers - shake them first to get rid of any lingering insects, there's usually a small spider or two! - and cover. Leave for at least 12 hours to infuse. It's such a delicate floral flavour that you really need to let it develop for as long as you can.

Sieve the cordial and then strain through muslin. Store in clean bottles in a cool dark place.

Serve diluted with fizzy water and/or a splash of gin, ice and a slice.

Got gooseberrys? Make an elderflower and gooseberry crumble using the cordial. Yum!

Enjoy your summer, Ali x